So yeah, when I said I take to much on in my description of myself, that little nuance about myself means that a blog is all but forgotten.  I keep putting irons in my fire, and soon the conflagration will consume me.  I will attempt to catch you all up on the past few months, and maybe all two of you that read this might help me put in perspective.

Theare is a heartless bitch, having said this doesn’t mean I don’t love her dearly, I’m just acknowledging my co-dependence.  Why I say this is the fact that she looks pretty and fun on the outside, but once she has her claws into you is when the work is show and the life you had is gone.  Her tasks are never-ending, and once you close a project one is staring you in the face, to slap you down like a little bitch.

Now I see you in your Ivory Tower saying “Shut up Jay, be thankful you are a working theatre professional.”  My answer to that is “Professional?  I’m a marginal part-timer at best, since I never get paid what I deserve let alone paid at all.  So I carry a day job that saps away any desire to do anything afterward, and then I’m off to rehearsal to make the “magic” happen just to do it all over again the next day”  But I can’t quit.  It’s like heroin, my body needs it, and in fact without my detox is socially unacceptable.  I had one moment of pore bliss last month.  I deposited a series of checks that showed me that if I could you that twice a month then I could quit the day job and be a “theatre professional”  full time.  An impossible dream?  I hope not, because I just can’t keep up the double life.

The reason for my rant is two fold.

First, the last show I was in was very unsatisfying.  The fights were okay, but never really got the rhythm I wanted.  The reason I fell was due to the fact that I had to not of fight direct the show, but also act in it.  Wearing two hats in a show sucks, wearing two hats that impedes you doing either task well is abysmal, this has led me to another epiphany I’ll speak of later.  The other was the director never able to let go, all be it the technical issues made it hard to do that, but he transferred his frustration on to the cast and crew.  It made for a very unfulfilling experience, but you live and move on.

Second, two of my dear friends are going to be parents very soon.  Which means that Raconteur’s leadership is going through a shift in duties, since they are both on the leadership.  I’m not scared of the extra load of  work, but the fact that last time a friend of my had a kid, he was/is unable to do any form of theatre, and I understand this is selfish, but I don’t want to lose their voice to fade away, let alone our friendship staling.  I’m sure that one of them will read this, and I hope they understand that my fear is irrational, but not unfounded.  Conversely to this is letting them down.  Raconteur is in reality their brain child, and I hope that in my hands I don’t drop the ball to often.

Now the epiphany,  I am only an okay actor.  I’m okay with that realization, because acting doesn’t seem to be my calling.  I can act, but I rarely get onstage in a show that really drives me.  That being said, I’ve realized my calling is to direct, and I think I’m damn good at it.  I love the all encompassing creative process and watching an  audience perceive as just the actors moving.

Okay that is enough for one night, tomorrow night an update on my Woyzeck blog.